Another Glum Day

If you can’t tell, I’m back into depression or is it sadness? It seems too short for depression but too long for even it being normal sadness. The feeling of someone just grabbing a blunt rusty knife and pushing it through your heart and every day they twist it just a little bit so that the wound just doesn’t heal up. That’s what the past three weeks coming has felt like. Every single day I wake up to find that that person isn’t there and every single day feels like punishment for something I haven’t done. I can’t even work out why. Instead of trying, I’ve just left it and I’m saying nothing. Both can play this game but neither of us will ever win and we’ll just both lose.

Everyday seems like a hassle to sit down a focus. Seems like there’s too much inside my head going on. Too many times and places I’m meant to be at. Too many things I have to keep reminding myself to search on the internet or watch on TV.  Too many lists inside my head that have grown so large, I’ve forgotten what the first thing ever was. I’ve had a lot to deal with, I guess, in my early life. I’ll not go into details with that but it just seems that I should now be due a little bit of brightness and a little bit of happiness. Yet it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen for a while. I believe in karma and I believe that it’s interconnected with science. If I’m being punished so much in my first 18 years of life, what has set this to happen? Is it bad thoughts and ideas? Is it something to do before I came into this world? What has the person done before me which means that I have to be punished for in this life time? Or am I just being stupid?  I just hope I have a good spell soon.

I’ve tried to distract myself. It has sort of helped and it’s nice just to forget for a while but it soon creeps back and that persistent feeling of not having the motivation or energy to do the things I like doing. I want to draw and paint but I just can’t be bothered. Instead I go for the easy option and sit around all day on the internet repeating the same damn sites over and over.  Nothing makes me happy anymore, well at least for now. Not even typing this makes me happy but only eases the pain just a bit at the thought that someone might read it. I’m not asking for pity or sympathy or anything. What am I asking? I don’t know; maybe just that someone might read this and understand how I’m feeling.

I would like to work on some things like working on more sketches and writing. Maybe even start a few short sketches for radio or maybe even a spoof of my work. It’s just getting the motivation and will power to work on it.